Aries- Hey aries, has your love life simmered to a halt? Things are heating up this month for you! No. Really. We mean it. Sea levels are rising. The polar ice caps are melting. Hurricanes are becoming more intense due to warming ocean currents.
Taurus- After the last month of nonstop stress, taurus is in need for a vacation. Our suggestions? Dubai, Tahiti, Narnia, Supermassive Black Hole Centaurus A. The possibilities are endless!
Gemini- Whoa there gemini, slow down! Don’t let this whirlwind take you by surprise. Unless it’s like a good surprise, like a surprise party or something. Then go for it. I don’t know. We don’t make the rules.
Cancer- Life got you down in the dumps lately, cancer? Try going out to enjoy the sunshine to brighten your life back up! Oh, wait it’s raining. Oops. We’re astrologists not meteorologists.
Leo- Head up in the clouds, leo? Let’s bring it back down and ground you to reality this month. But not too fast.Wait no stop that’s too fast. And now you’re rocketing head first from the stratosphere. Our bad.
Virgo- This month is all about bold choices! Go buckwild Virgo! Try out a bold new fashion trend! Eat at a new restaurant! Take off naked into the woods to live out life as a squirrel! You do you!
Libra- It’s libra season you chumps! Prepare for world domination and a whole lotta balance! You’re gonna have like, so many scales. Libra season.
Scorpio- Tone it down a little this month, ok scorpio? Try taking things one day at a time, it’s not like life matters anyway. I mean, we’re all just a bunch of monkeys on a floating rock hurtling through space. No biggie.
Sagittarius- Good news! Hey sagittarius, a large sum of money is coming your way! From where? We don’t know. We saw nothing. I swear, we didn’t do anything bad. Why are you staring at us? Don’t call the cops.
Capricorn- New factors are coming into play this month, so buckle up capricorn. Also consider a helmet. And maybe some shoulder pads, knee pads, mouth guard and gloves. It’s gonna be a rough one.
Aquarius- Yikes, Aquarius, the world kinda hates you right now. Honestly, we recommend a long walk on campus. Pray to our lord and saviour Globe in the center of campus. Globe knows all.
Pisces- Hungry Pisces? Eat a bagel. Why? We don’t know. Bagels are cool and versatile. Do it, just eat a bagel. Eat them all.
