Aries- Finals season got you stressed, Aries? We know. We saw your breakdown over a citation generator last week. It wasn’t pretty. We didn’t mean to watch, but yikes.

Taurus- With all of life’s craziness, it look like Taurus forgot about the holiday season. Relax, we got you covered. We’ve got a new, exciting holiday called “Write Campus News for the Westfield Voice.”

Gemini- Love is in the air, Gemini! And it’s contagious! Oh no you’ve been infected! Stay back! Please! We can’t get sick, we have a wife and two beautiful children!

Cancer- Feeling hungry, Cancer? Try cooking a new recipe! Our recommendations? The flesh of your enemies! Or, Karma! Both dishes are best served cold, with a side of piping hot tea.

Leo- Things have been wild lately, Leo, but we promise everything will fall into place. We mean, that’s how gravity works, right? We’re astrologists, not physicists.

Virgo- Things are heating up for Virgo in the romance department! We’ve got someone special waiting for you under the mistletoe. What? No, he’s not a raccoon we trapped in a trash bag.

Libra- 404 HOROSCOPE NOT FOUND

Scorpio- Feeling confused about life lately, Scorpio? Sometimes it’s best to look at classic stories for inspiration. Our suggestion? Krampus.

Sagittarius- It’s time to face your fears, Sagittarius! Grab life by the horns and make it yours! Take it out for dinner! Get married! Start a family! Grow old and die together!

Capricorn- Life got you down in the dumps, Capricorn? No worries, it’s gonna stay just as bad. Let’s put it this way: this month is gonna make you want to move abroad. Sorry.

Aquarius- Good news, Aquarius! If you or a loved one has been diagnosed with Mesothelioma you may to be entitled to financial compensation.

Pisces- Seeking a new hobby, Pisces? Try close up magic! Challenge yourself to pass for a second rate wizard. We cannot promise this will result in a Hogwarts letter.