Aries- Hey Aries, have you ever tried to crack and egg but you crushed it by accident? This month is like that except you just chucked the whole carton on the floor. Yikes.

Taurus- Taurus has been feeling unusually hostile lately and we’re not sure why. That’s a lot of big talk buddy. Pick up a sword and fight me you coward!

Gemini- Does life feel like it’s out to get you Gemini? We swear it’s not. Just kidding, it totally is. HA HA you just got Punk’d NERD. How does it feel now?

Cancer- Life right now has got you feeling pretty bold Cancer, so own it! Be bold! Go skydiving! Jump the Grand Canyon! Cover yourself in blood and play tag with starved lions!

Leo- If life’s too boring Leo, try watching a new show. We can’t legally suggest any, so how about That is Them, The [Westfield] Voice, Contest of Chairs, or Weirder Stuff.

Virgo- Whoa Virgo, chill out my dude. Looks like you’ve been running a relay race the last month. And you lost too. Wow. Bummer.

Libra- Look inside yourself this month Libra for the answer to all your problems. And by inside you, we mean get an x-ray done on that weird pain in your leg.

Scorpio- It’s Scorpio season, Scorpio, so you know what that means: stop being a jerk for at least five seconds for once. Please, we’re begging you.

Sagittarius- For the answers you seek, look to the stars Sagittarius. Look at those cute little twinkling dudes. And tell the moon we say hi.

Capricorn- It’s a revolution, Capricorn! Go out there and make the world a better place by being a better you! And maybe overthrow the government while you’re at it! We don’t care!

Aquarius- Have you considered a new hobby Aquarius? Maybe try baking, or summoning demons in the forest to feast on herds of cows during the witching hour.

Pisces- Last month was mess Pisces, and you’ve come out a whole new person. Seriously, who are you? We’ve got our eyes on you, stranger. We’ll be watching.