“Can I say something?”
“Sure, say whatever.”
She leaned closer and whispered in my ear. “I really want to kiss you.” My heart stopped.
I whispered back, “Me too, but not right now.” I was waiting for the perfect moment, but that moment never came. She kept talking, which I didn’t mind. I love when she talks. A few minutes had passed, and I couldn’t wait any longer. I placed my hand on the back of her head; my fingers tangled in her soft hair. I pulled her in and kissed her.
—
First day of college. Orientation group thirty-two. We stood in a big circle in the lobby of University Hall…playing two truths and a lie. I hated it. I felt the kind of burn you feel in your throat when it’s too hot outside and you desperately need water. I had already walked across campus, down the street, and back for orientation. I could tell no one really wanted to be there. I had a small plastic cup that once held a few sips of delicious ice water. But those few sips weren’t enough and I needed more.
I stared at the grey rug underneath my feet. “I was going to be a math major. I have a bird. And I read five books last week.” My head shot up. I looked at the girl. She seemed taller than me. Her name tag read “Juliet.” Interesting name, not one you hear that often. She wore glasses and had light brown hair with a gentle curl. She was pretty. Wait, what? I pushed that detail out of my mind and focused on what she was saying. Well, that definitely caught my attention. Who reads five books in a week? The last time I fully read a book was eighth grade.
I started to scan the room. My eyes darted from the wall of windows to my left and back to the people standing around me. I looked everyone else up and down, trying to guess their story. I stopped on the girl again. She stood out to me. I was drawn to her. I can’t explain it, but there was something about her.
The rest of the experience was a blur, but finally we were released. I saw the girl on the sidewalk, Juliet. I wanted to talk to her. Maybe make a friend. “Ok, deep breath. What’s the worst that can happen? Just be friendly.” I slowed down so we were walking next to each other. “So, you read five books last week?” We made awkward small talk. I thought to myself, “she seems nice. Maybe we will become friends.” Then we parted ways.
The next day I asked if she wanted to sit with me at lunch. We had just sat through a mind-numbing presentation where it was mentioned how some girls don’t like boys, but other girls. It didn’t apply to me. I liked boys. I had to like boys; it was part of my religion. I sat at the table in the dining commons with my three new friends. Juliet was one of them. She casually shared with us she didn’t like boys, and I pretended like that didn’t matter. But it did. It began to matter because maybe I’d have a chance with her. In my wildest dreams I’d be with her.
We grew closer as the weeks dragged by, and I learned all about her. She’s going to school to become a music teacher, more specifically, a high school band director. Her passion for music is inspiring. She tells me all about what she’s been learning, and I watch her eyes light up. I don’t understand most of it, but I love the way she talks about her interests. It’s attractive. She can play a handful of instruments and is already learning how to play more. Her talent is incredible. Juliet became one of the smartest people I know. She is intelligent. Dedicated to her work. Driven by her dreams. It made me love her more, as a friend of course…. Right?
By November we had become best friends. Inseparable. We were just friends, but from the outside looking in, it seemed like we were dating. We would take naps together. Occasionally walk around campus holding hands. Kiss each other on the forehead. When we got lunch together, we called it “lunch dates.” She would put her arm around me at all the Music Department concerts we went to. I looked forward to seeing her, spending time with her. Lying in her bed joking and passing the time together. “Our roommates probably think we are dating,” she’d say with a laugh. I’d laugh too. I didn’t mind if they did. Deep down the part of me that wanted it to be true grew. I shouldn’t have been so comfortable with it. I was supposed to be the good, innocent, Christian girl everyone thought I was.
Having feelings for a girl didn’t fit with the rest of my life. No one in my world back home would accept that. So, I ignored it. I stuffed it down… until November 15th. I finally admitted to myself that I did have feelings for my best friend. For a girl. For Juliet. I wrote in my note’s app, “I’d kiss her.” That was the beginning of the end.
It was a terrifying realization. I can’t like a girl; it’s against the rules. My family wouldn’t allow this to be a reality. But every day that went by my desire grew. I wanted her to look at me the way I’d started to look at her. I let it take over. My feelings for her consumed me. Somewhere along the line, loving my best friend turned into being in love with my best friend.
It made me sick. I could barely eat. Sleeping was filled with nightmares and restlessness. It was hell on earth. I tried so hard to forget it. To look at her as just my friend and not the most beautiful girl to walk this earth. I couldn’t win. I’d spend time on my own. Push her away. Thinking that would help. But I missed her. My soul ached for her presence. So, I’d go back to spending all my time with her. It was painful. I couldn’t ignore the way she made me feel. There would be times we would just lock eyes, staring into each other’s souls. I longed to know what she was thinking in those moments. Inside, I was screaming. Screaming and begging for her to love me the way I loved her.
She knew something was wrong and like a good friend she stuck by me, even though she had no idea what was going on. But that hurt too. I couldn’t escape. I failed at pushing my feelings down and away. I couldn’t tell her the truth. I was stuck. I couldn’t continue loving her how I’d began to, so I came up with a plan. I’d go home for winter break and put some space between us. I’d busy myself with other people and push her away slightly. I’d hide myself in the religion I was born into. Force myself to believe every word of it. What else was I supposed to do? I wanted my best friend but couldn’t continue looking at her the way I was. It was killing me.
By December 13th I was a disaster. I knew I only had to make it till the 15th and I was free. I’d go home and forget about these feelings. I was lying in Juliet’s bed talking about classes and our day. Her roommate, Sage, was talking to her friend Karlie. The was a lull in the conversation, and Karlie, with her fiery red hair, turned to us. “Can I ask a question?” We nodded; I racked my brain for what this question might be. She took so long to spit it out, I had convinced myself she was going to ask if we were dating. I’m not sure what I’d do if she did. I’d desperately want to say yes, but that wasn’t the truth. The answer would, unfortunately, be a no.
But she didn’t ask that. It no longer matters what she actually did ask. But if someone is to blame for the continuation of Juliet’s and my story, it’s her. That whole conversation became background noise. All I could think about was the most perfect girl sitting on the bed next to me. What would she have done if that was what Karlie had asked? So, I brought it up later that night. We stood at the water fountain on the first floor of Davis Hall, filling our bottles with water that tasted a little too much like chlorine. I jokingly told her what I thought Karlie was going to ask. Understandably, she had thought the same. By the time we had gotten to the elevator, we were deep in conversation.
This part is a blur. I was terrified of where this conversation was headed. We ended up sitting on the benches by the bathroom outside Juliet’s room. The bright green, orange, and dark grey color palette of the seating swirled around me. I was locked on her face. “I’m not attracted to you.” Her words hurt, more than I thought they would. It was like a hot knife to the heart. But this was what I wanted or what I was supposed to want. Why did I care so much? We talked for a little while longer, and I ended up back in her bed.
I laid there questioning every part of my life. “Are you sure you don’t have feelings for me?” I asked this for two reasons. I wanted her to tell me she had just told the best lie and actually did have feelings for me. I also couldn’t understand how our friendship, where the lines had become so blurry, was just that, a friendship. She looked at me funny. I asked again. Then, I spilled my guts. I sobbed into her neck. I told her that she wasn’t just my best friend. She was the love of my life. I couldn’t help it. I’d fallen so hard for her. I didn’t know how to love her the way I did and also keep up the act of good Christian girl. I told her that in a world where I could be anything I wanted, I’d be hers. I wouldn’t be the innocent girl who followed every rule in the Bible.
She said her piece and the unthinkable happened. She loved me the same way I loved her. She admitted that it was all a lie because she thought that was what I wanted to hear. That sweet girl thought by telling me she wasn’t attracted to me, she was protecting me. She couldn’t have been more wrong. We held each other and rambled on about our feelings. Through tears and giggles the truth came out. We were in love and I got to be her first kiss.
That kiss marked the end and beginning of something. I was going to be a very different person. I started to question everything I’d believed and been told to believe. I began to deconstruct eighteen years of faith in a god that didn’t seem to be real to me anymore. No matter how many sleepless nights I spent praying that the feelings would go away, I still woke up in love. My love for Juliet was fulfilling. I found joy being wrapped in her arms and kissing her slowly. Joy in the religion I was stuck in was a checklist. I had to do so many things, follow certain rules, and believe specific things to be happy. Juliet showed me there was another way. This ‘other way’ was what I had been looking for my whole life. A happiness I didn’t have to fight tooth and nail for. Something that came naturally. This love was natural, because no matter how hard I tried to force it away, it stayed. I’m so grateful it stayed. I found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. It just happens to be a girl, and I’ve learned that’s okay. All that matters is how I feel and what I want. It’s my life. I write the story.
I still have days where I doubt what I’m doing. Where I question if I’m wrong and the religion I’m leaving behind is true. But then I’m reminded of how good it feels to be writing my own story. To do what I want. To love who I want. On December 13th, I kissed the sweetest girl I’ve ever met. A girl who became my best friend. A girl who lights up my life. A girl that has been with me in my hardest moments. A girl who is passionate, beautiful, intelligent, funny, and loving. I kissed Juliet. I haven’t stopped since and I never will.
